Welcome to How do I do it?, series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek at sex life of a stranger.
This week, we hear from Ottilie* a 26-year-old English major living in Birmingham with her boyfriend of three years, Matt*.
“We moved in together not long after we graduated, and on the outside we probably look pretty normal,” she says. subway. “But people would never suspect what turns me on.”
While Ottilie is heterosexual, her boyfriend is bisexual, and over the past two years she’s realized he’s too hot, encouraging her to flirt, kiss and sometimes sleep with other men – although flirting is currently as far as they’ve gone.
“Most people would immediately assume there’s something wrong underneath,” she adds. “Like I should secretly feel insecure or not good enough, but honestly it feels like the opposite. The excitement comes from confidence more than anything else.’
It didn’t come out of the blue; in her past relationships Ottilie occasionally felt jealous in a way that clouded into withdrawal.
“I never explored it because those relationships weren’t emotionally open enough to survive those kinds of conversations,” she explains. “This is the first relationship where I’ve ever felt safe enough to say those thoughts out loud without immediately worrying about being judged for them.”
So, without further ado, here’s how she did this week.
Warning: The following, as you can imagine, is not safe for work.
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Monday
We both work from home today, so there’s a weird vibe in the apartment where we should be productive, but instead we’re constantly distracting each other.
By lunchtime we’ve both completely lost focus and end up talking about the holidays we’ve booked Barcelona. Matt jokes that I’ll spend the whole party trying to set him up with men in bars, and honestly… he’s probably right.
In the evening I show her random men Instagram I think he will look attractive because I love watching his reactions. Instead of jealousy. I rush knowing that he feels comfortable enough to openly look at other people in front of me.
Soon the conversation stops feeling hypothetical, and he kisses me halfway through describing a guy he likes.
We end up having sex our favorite way. He bends over me like a missionary, lightly pinning my hips to the bed as I wrap my legs around him. This is how we always start and end, experiencing orgasm together in unison. All the time I keep thinking about the conversations we had.
There’s something about hearing him openly describe his attraction to other men that makes him seem even more confident and physically attractive to me.
Then we stay up talking for another hour because neither of us wants the mood to end.
Tuesday
After work I meet some friends for drinks and the conversation turns to relationship stuff. One of them complains that her boyfriend likes pictures of girls on Instagram and I almost laugh because meanwhile I’m literally sending my boyfriend men I think he’d like.
The first moment I realized this turned me on was about a year into our relationship. We were out with friends and a man at the bar kept flirting with Matt all night.
I remember expecting to feel threatened, but instead I couldn’t stop watching them interact. They kept leaning close to each other when they talked, and every time the boy touched his arm, my stomach turned in this way I couldn’t understand.
We got home then had the best sex we’d had in months because I was so touched by the attention he was getting. That was the moment I realized that this was not just a passing fancy.
When I get home, Matt tells me that a guy at the gym flirted with him earlier that day. Looking for details: What did it look like? Was it safe? Did you flirt again? Did you realize he was flirting?
The more details he gives, the more ridiculous I feel about the whole thing. We spend most of the evening on the sofa with him retelling the conversation while I listen very carefully.
The exciting part is not ‘losing’ him to someone else. It is known that he can get attention from other people and then he comes back to me. He still chooses me. This is the part that gets me every time.
Wednesday
The day goes by and when the evening comes, we cook dinner together, open a bottle of wine and talk about our limits for the trip to Barcelona all evening.
It is not serious; we’re just checking in with each other and figuring out what feels exciting. I think people imagine open relationships to be chaotic and impulsive, but ours involves a lot of communication.
The border side of things has been a huge learning curve. We realized very quickly that fantasy is easy, but reality needs structure. Our main rule is that nothing happens without us first talking about it. No secrecy, no impulsively disappearing on someone and pretending it “just happened” afterwards.
Sex itself surprisingly doesn’t feel like the biggest boundary for me – emotional dishonesty would be much harder for me to deal with. What would hurt is to feel left out, not jealous.
We discuss everything from whether we’d like things to happen separately or together, to what happens if one of us suddenly feels weird halfway through.
Matt admits that he still worries that he’ll accidentally push me too far emotionally, but as long as we’re always talking, I don’t see how that could happen.
We get into bed and watch some live porn together, but I barely pay attention to the women. It’s always the men who are wanted that make me. Seeing confidence, attention, tension.
Thursday
Tonight, Matt goes out drinking with colleagues, including a man he admits he finds attractive. Before he leaves, I joke that he should flirt a bit if given the chance.
He asks several times if I’m sure and I tell him I am. At midnight he comes home slightly deranged with this smug smile.
He spent most of the night talking one-on-one with his girlfriend, and at one point his colleague touched his arm and joked that he was ‘dangerously charming’.
I feel myself light up as he speaks. At one point Matt admits that he thought about what would have happened if he had stayed out with her longer.
The rest of the night feels very busy after that. Matt tells me I look shocked and on that note it’s too late so I decide to go to bed. He drunkenly falls on the mattress next to me and is snoring in no time.
Friday
I’m feeling a little anxious today because the reality of our sex party is getting very real now.
Now my fantasies feel possible, a little insecurity emerges. I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel scared sometimes.
I spend the day half working half obsessed and when evening comes Matt makes it clear he’s in the mood.
We have sex, but this time it feels softer and more soothing. He pulls me into his lap as we kiss and slowly moves his hands to the back of my head.
I give my hair a slight tug and then my panties move to the side. We ugh*** with them still wrapped around my hips as I sit on top of him. He ends up in me as we look at ourselves in the wardrobe mirror.
I think we both needed it after spending the day a bit in our heads about everything.
Saturday
Today is a lazy day in bed, and in the evening we order a takeaway.
Most of the night we spend half lying in bed with each other talking trash and occasionally turning to conversations about attraction and sex without even realizing it.
At one point, Matt admits that he enjoys the confidence boost he gets from male and female attention. He feels he spent years trying not to seem ‘too bisexual’ in past relationships, but now suddenly he doesn’t have to modify himself at all around me.
I feel a little emotional listening to it and it makes me happy. While I’ve only fantasized about him so far, I ask Matt if he’d like me to watch if something happened with another man, and he says that would make it very exciting.
Planning all this makes me feel emotionally close to him. I have never talked this openly with anyone in my life about sex, attraction or jealousy.
on sunday
It’s a quiet morning until Matt mentions that the guy from the gym had been flirting with him for weeks, not just the other day.
He says it smugly because he knows exactly what reaction he will get from me. All day I imagine the little moments between them. Prolonged eye contact. Little comments that seem innocent, but obviously aren’t. That weird tension when two people know they love each other, but neither has fully said it yet.
I like to imagine it – not even in a way detached from fantasy. It feels strangely personal and intense. A few months ago such conversations would probably have terrified me. Now they have become a part of our relationship somehow.
Lying in bed, I find myself really excited about our Barcelona vacation and all that we will have to explore – I have a feeling it will bring us even closer.
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