“I don’t know why you can’t respect the way I choose to grow up the children.’
I had bitten my tongue for so long, but mine outrage it had finally slipped.
Mine mother in lawAnna*, had been talking to me for at least 15 minutes, a tirade that had started with some nasty words about my ‘manipulative’ preschoolers, then escalated into her furiously listing all the ways in which I bad mother with unsupervised children.
I just couldn’t take her criticism anymore. I had to talk.
There was a beat of silence – then she laughed in my face.
It was a mocking, bitter laugh. It was at that moment that I realized that she had finally crossed the line – or rather, I had finally had enough of her repeated crossing of the line.
I watched Anna leave, the garden gate swinging behind her as she left. And despite the annoyance, the overriding feeling was one of immense relief.
For the first time ever, I felt like I could finally wash my hands of it.
My relationship with Anna has always been challenging – in fact, she seemed to understand me when my then…the beloved (now husband) Dean* introduced us in 2007.
The first few times we met, Anna was prickly and, frankly, strange: she asked for graphic details about sex lifeasking what the son was ‘good at’. When we refused to discuss it, she said it was clearly because we were ‘boring in bed’.
It wasn’t easy to get the high ground – especially when the dynamic felt so unbalanced
She briefly pointed out that I had my elbows on the table at dinner and made various comments about my appearance – like saying I had too much time on my hands to do my hair and makeup. AND nails.
Looking back, I realize she wanted to put me in my place, which is so confusing: she was my boyfriend’s mother. I wanted to move on with her and I would have thought she would feel the same way.
Instead, she acted like one jealous rival I could tell Dean was embarrassed by her behavior, but he always laughed telling me I would get used to it.
I think he was hoping she would calm down when it was clear we were in it for the long haul, but we were very much in uncharted territory since the previous one. the girlfriends he hadn’t been around long enough to spend much time with her.
As it turned out, he was wrong: things only got worse.
Anna started making ‘jokes’ about how I had pushed Dean away from her – despite the fact that he called her every day.
She’d been on her own since she split from Dean’s dad when he was little, so I didn’t mind the phone calls, but she seemed to use them to needle rather than talk: smelling that he was too confused, he was calling late, or ‘why a phone call and not a visit?’.
Nothing we could do or say would convince Anna that I hadn’t replaced her, so mostly, we just tried to keep the peace.
Every time she would give him the silent treatment because she felt neglected, I would convince her to take things easy ’cause she’s your mother.
But it wasn’t easy to get the high ground – especially when the dynamics felt so unbalanced.
We had to be so mindful of her feelings, while she wouldn’t mind calling us ‘too sensitive’ and ‘fragile’ if we reacted to her insults, or with excuses like ‘I’m telling it like it is’.
We tried not to let her behavior affect our relationship—but, while we didn’t exactly argue about it, the extra tension before visits could make us snap at each other, and it was exhausting to figure out what upset her every time she ignored his calls.
We could have gone on like this forever if we hadn’t started one family – but the children were the turning point. Suddenly, we had less room to keep her happy, and Dean paying less attention to her meltdowns confirmed her son’s ‘loss’ to Anna.
The day Ana scolded me in the kitchen was a turning point
We bumped into him more and more as we were forced to defend our own parenting at every step. Anna thought it was ‘ridiculous’ that the children were sleeping in our six month old bedroom. According to her, we have given them a lot of love; and on one occasion, she stated that the children said ‘I love you’ a lot.
On top of life with preschoolers, it was just too much to deal with.
The day Ana scolded me in the kitchen was a turning point. The second she left, I called Dean to tell him I’d had enough. That he would have my support if he wanted to see it, but I wouldn’t deal with it anymore.
However, he was also at the end of his relationship: he had had enough of her complete lack of respect for me. In the days and weeks that followed, neither we nor Ana answered the phone.
That was five years ago now.
In years past, Dean has had to come to terms with the lack of a loving motherly relationship – but while that’s objectively sad, the reality is that we both feel like life has actually been a lot easier.
Separation rates
This series aims to provide a nuanced look at family estrangement.
Alienation is not an isolated situation, and we want to give voice to those who have been through it themselves.
If you have personally experienced withdrawal and would like to share your story, you can email izzie.price@metro.co.uk
I don’t like that I was the catalyst for the deterioration of their relationship; but the fact is that she was already draining for him, completely separated from me. Although leaving is often dismissed as an overreaction, it’s rarely about a single argument that ends the relationship. In our case, they were emotional years stress – and the Dean certainly doesn’t miss it.
It is a pity that our children are not in contact with him grandma. When we first broke up with Anna, Dean and I agreed that if she wanted to see the kids, we would understand.
But she never tried to talk us into spending time with them – and now, when we talk about it, we always say we wouldn’t submit to her. Children don’t need a grandma who pulls a face when they say ‘I love you’.
Even now, there are still moments when I hear her judgmental comments. Every time I fail as a parent, in my head I can picture myself saying, “Yeah, you were right, I’m the worst mom.”
I hate that I’ve internalized her criticism so much that I’ve been using it on myself all these years.
But as I cuddle my kids to sleep (something Anna used to roll her eyes at), I know I’m giving them the unconditional love and sense of security that is so important—and that they would never have taken from her.
I try to remember that the qualities she thought made me a bad mother are exactly what I try to represent to my children: loving, supportive, open. Someone who listens and respects them. Our family may not be perfect, but we do not lack love.
So the loss is not ours – it is only hers.
*Name has been changed
Have a story you’d like to share? Contact by sending email jessica.aureli@metro.co.uk.
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